Maddie Shaw

Because of the part racism plays in so many aspects of our lives, we should stop sugar-coating the fact that if this problem isn’t faced head-on, no progress is going to be made.

My final thesis statement has a few different components to it, all of which tie into the rest of my final paper. The abundance of places that racism comes up in our lives is talked about by explaining how it presents itself in Cadogan and BIss’s lives and then tying it into how I see it in my day-to-day life. I talk about racism in a way that some people might hesitate to discuss it, making it into a problem that is real and right in front of us in American society everywhere we go. One thing I would change about my thesis that I should have done is change the wording, at the beginning of the sentence a bit. Starting out with “Because of the part…” is not the most direct tone I could have used, and if I changed it to “Racism plays a part in so many aspects of our lives, so we should…”. That would create for more of a direct tone in my voice which would strengthen my point even further.

I have not experienced racism like the sufferers that Biss talks about, or like Cadogan puts up with every single day throughout his life. I agree with these writers’ standpoint that racism is a problem which is ever-evolving and needs a solution. In order for this to happen Americans need to realize that their position on this matter is significant. Of course, people could  disagree on the grounds that I have not experienced racism face-to-face as I am not a person of color, so how could my opinion on the topic be significant. This is not necessarily true because one thing can affect someone in a totally different way than it affects another. Biss is a good example, as she is a white woman living in America and she is still able to give her own take on how looking into this history of the telephone pole affected her personally. She links it to aspects of her own life and this allows her to see it in a different way compared to others. Though I have not experienced racism for myself, I have seen it across multiple social platforms online. Social media is my primary source of experience and knowledge on the contention surrounding racism: news outlets covering stories on acts of police brutality, Snapchat articles about discrimination of Asian Americans during this time of pandemic, witnessing people I have added on social platforms spewing predjudiced ideas towards others. After seeing enough of these stories I can tell that it does not matter what your race, ethnicity, sex, or age may be, I can still recognize that every role in these situations are being filled by all sorts of people. By acknowledging this array of people who either contribute to or are affected by racism, that also means we all have a role in making sure we end it. 

I found the paragraph that I used as my Naysayer paragraph to be particularly strong. When talking about racism, a lot of people don’t like to bring their own voice into the argument. It is usually a conversation about the fight on racism as a whole, which is important, but many do not understand the significance of their own voice in this discussion. I talked about that specifically in this paragraph, saying “In order for this to happen, Americans need to realize that their position on this matter is significant”. This paragraph just had a lot of my own voice and my own views in it, and I really enjoyed writing this one and found it to be one of the strongest points in my paper after finishing it.

When going in to make final revisions, I did not have a whole draft ready, to begin with. But after reading some of my peer’s ideas and pondering the topic a little further, I ended up moving paragraphs around to express my ideas in a more organized fashion to make the paper flow the way I wanted it to. At first, I was trying to write my second paragraph contrasting Cadogan and Biss’s views right after my first Barclay paragraph with those two authors in it, but during global revision, I decided to put my second Barclay paragraph after my first with Wallace’s points with Biss’s ideas instead. In doing this, it connected the ideas from my first Barclay paragraph to this one and allowed for the ideas to come together nicely. It also made finishing up my second Barclay much easier, as I was able to think about these connections and expand my ideas further, leading my paper in the direction that I wanted to. 

Biss uses a particular style of writing to show the development of her own thoughts related to racism in America. Only bringing her voice into her final paragraphs, she raises metaphorical concepts, using the telephone poles as the symbol for the slow growth of racism. She writes, “One summer, heavy rains fell in Nebraska and some green telephone poles grew small leafy branches” (Biss 7). By choosing to approach her ideas in this fashion, people can choose, as Walter discusses in his speech, how far they are willing to expand their own knowledge and relate their own experiences to, in this case, racism. 

This quote sandwich, found in my second Barclay paragraph, is one of my strongest in my whole paper. Sometimes when writing, I forget to discuss the importance of the way that the writer is writing and presenting their ideas to the reader. This was a component that I could not leave out for Biss because I found this to be such a crucial part of her message. I included the two sentences before I introduced the quote in my paper because I think it highlights what I am trying to show with the quote nicely. The first sentence explains the components of how Biss is writing. Then leading into the second sentence, it shows my interpretation of the message she’s trying to make the reader see. My sentence after the quote brings the ideas of both authors that I am discussing in the Barclay paragraph together in a way that doesn’t take away from what I am trying to show about Biss but still shows the connection. 

In comparison to my first essay, my third essay ties everything together in a way that is much more clear to the writer, not just for myself. Sometimes I tend to have difficulties remembering that the reader can’t exactly read my mind, so just because I know how it connects doesn’t mean they do. I think something that helped me achieve this was learning how to write a better thesis statement. In my first paper, all the way through the revision processes my thesis was not 100% clear to each of the readers. In my third essay, everyone who read my paper was able to pick the correct sentence I was trying to express as my thesis. If the reader has any difficulty recognizing the thesis, it makes it hard for them to connect all of the ideas together the way I am trying to explain them. In my third essay, everything tied back to the ideas I expressed in my introduction and my overall thesis statement. In my first paper, I noticed that in a few places I moved a little too far from the concepts I originally started with. 

I have always understood the importance of expressing my own voice in my writing, but throughout the development of my ability to express this through writing between the first essay and now, I feel as though I was more confident in being able to present these ideas to the reader much better than before. The claims I made in my first paper were there and you can tell they are my own thoughts and analysis’, but in my third paper, you can just recognize this boost in confidence. This is something that I will carry with me in my writing from here on out, as it is so helpful in allowing the reader to see it from my point-of-view.

When I first began reading Garnette Cadogan’s piece, “Walking While Black”, the first few pages led me to believe he was talking about awareness and his experience with this regarding the world around him. By the end of the essay I still recognized this as a key part of what he is trying to express, but just in a different aspect. The aspect of having to be hyper aware of who he was and where he was, and how this affected his life overall. Cadogan’s resistance to the fear others felt walking at night on the streets of Kingston in comparison to the fear he feels everyday in the United States, a place where people are supposed to be free to express themselves in whatever way they want, sheds light on a serious issue in this country. His story surrounding the significance of walking is not the only one being told this way, and the fact that there are so many others walking in the same shoes shows the prevalence of the problem. Cadogan speaks of how social division presents itself, both in Jamaica and in the United States, but points to the differences in how this social division applies to himself and his way of life. He sees the beauty in social division in both countries; the history, the variety in culture, the joys of individuality. Simultaneously he sees the negative end of the division, but how he personally is affected is different from each place he lived and considered his home. This swing in the way he viewed fear from one place to another stood out to me because of the way he chose to look at fear itself. In Jamaica, Cadogan didn’t allow fear to control who he was, how he dealt with his own thoughts even after people told him the streets were dangerous. In the United States he no longer had the choice of how he viewed fear. It is just a part of who he is when he is here and there is no way to escape it.

Social scientists, of course, may want to question whether policing petty crimes has an effect on overall crime rates, or if it just clutters the prison systems in our country. Although not all tax-paying Americans contribute to the cost of these prisoners think alike, some of them will probably dispute social scientists’ theory that indicates that if as a society minor crimes are not policed there will be an increase in more serious crimes being committed. This theory, known as the broken windows theory, shows zero-tolerance policing as a more effective method, and bending the rules for lesser crimes would go against this ideology, and in the end, prove to be less than beneficial for society. 

The essay written by Adrian Chen takes a different approach on good VS bad argument regarding the integration of social media into our relationships. The sizable Twitter following that Phelps-Roper gained over a relatively short period of time challenges the “rule of thirds” looking at the gain and loss of friends, but also develops the question of do you really consider everyone on your social media following your friend? The answer to this may differ from person to person, but on average the number of people we are actually close with on social media platforms is much less than the actual number of followers. When I look at the people I am following on social media, I can see people I am close friends with in real life and on social media, some people who I know in person but I am not close with, and some that I only interact with online. Finding a balance between spending time with someone in person and also being able to talk to them online is where aspects of both essays come together in understanding. In Chen’s essay, Phelps-Roper met people online through social media and then proceeded to meet them in person. This shows the beginning of the idea of balance. She met them online but over a phone screen you cannot replicate actual human interaction. This also shows how using social media can help create these initial bonds with people and make it easier to meet them face-to-face. In Chen’s essay, Phelps-Roper says, “She and C.G. connected as strongly in person as they had online, and they now live together” (Chen.) Social media was in Phelps-Roper’s interest here, because there were more people to listen to what she is saying there is a higher chance of someone listening. Online social platforms allowed her to spread her current views, but at the same time it let her hear other people’s way of life and their views which were different from hers. Because of her strict religion and family values, she would only ever get advice from her mother and other people with similar views, but social media allowed her to branch out and hear how other people live, which urged her to make a change in her life that she probably wouldn’t have made without influence from others on social media. 

1) When I look at the people I am following on social media, I can see people I am close friends with in real life and on social media, some people who I know in person but I am not close with, and some that I only interact with online. 

When I look at the people I am following on social media, I can see a clear distinction between the people I interact with on a personal basis, and those I do not. 

2) This shows the beginning of the idea of balance. She met them online but over a phone screen you cannot replicate actual human interaction.

This shows the balance between online and in-person interaction, the communication through a screen only can do so much, the rest needs to happen face-to-face.

3) Social media was in Phelps-Roper’s interest here, because there were more people to listen to what she is saying there is a higher chance of someone listening. 

Social media was in Phelps-Roper’s interest here because it was an outlet for her to express her views to a larger number of people. The bigger the group of people, the higher the chance of someone listening to what you’re saying. 

When approaching the local revisions for this paragraph, one of my first thoughts was on how long it is. Typically this is something I would notice when going back and editing a paper but clearly I missed this in my first revision process. Because there is so much to talk about when analyzing an essay I tried to pack it all into one paragraph and that was where I went wrong here. I tend to have a problem with wordiness in my writing and that is what my first revision revolved around. There was an unnecessary number of words trying to express my thoughts so I took all of those out and put it into a more concise way of saying the same thing. My second revision was to a sentence that didn’t make sense when I read it, something that could have been caught by reading the paragraph out loud to myself because then I can really hear where I can use better wording in my sentences. My third revision was similar to my second, when I really listened to how this sentence sounded something just didn’t work. I changed the wording of the sentence to flow better to help the reader understand my thoughts better than they were able to before.

Looking at the title of Paul Bloom’s essay, “Empathy is Overrated”, the topic he presents seems like a controversial concept to think about. Talking about empathy, the capacity to understand or feel for another person, in a negative manner doesn’t seem like a beneficial way to think about such a basic human conception. However, Bloom presents his perspective on what empathy really does for us in a way that allows the reader to put themselves in the situations he describes and see empathy the way he does. After analyzing Bloom’s writing, I believe the main point he is trying to express is the misconception of the real driving factor in empathy. The majority of people are taught that empathy is being able to understand someone, to feel what they are feeling, but Bloom sees it in a different fashion. He sees feeling someone’s pain, anxieties, fears, etc., as a non-beneficial way to be there for someone when they need you. Instead, he views compassion as a more constructive measure of condolence. “What really matters for kindness may be self-control, intelligence, and more diffuse compassion” (Bloom 4). 

Because of these underlying views on empathy, another point Bloom makes in his essay is how the effects of empathy are seen in different situations and more often than not the negative outcomes outweigh the positive (5). The decisions that we make based upon empathy tend to be unethical and could have better solutions if we viewed them in a more intellectual, compassionate approach. This is another main point highlighted where Bloom talks about how “empathy reflects our biases” (2). We are more ought to feel for people we can relate to, and if we try to apply empathy on a large scale this is where problems arise. “Intellectually, we can value the lives of all these individuals; we can give them weight when we make decisions. But what we can’t do is empathize with all of them” (3). In saying this, Bloom is pointing to the importance of creating the distinction between what feelings to apply in a situation, intellect versus empathy. 

Empathy is a feeling that we learn, we do not come hardwired to feel for other people in this sense, and that is partially why different people have different views on something that feels second nature. This notion of learning how to think is where I felt the essay written by David Foster Wallace, “This is Water”, and Bloom’s essay highlight one another well. Though they are presented in different ways, Wallace’s take on the education system we have established teaches us how to think. “Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience (Wallace 3). This control that he is talking about here, the ability to control how we think introduces the points Bloom brings up in his essay. Bloom’s idea of decision making and the role that empathy has those circumstances. I think bringing the ideas in both of these essays creates for an interesting conversation regarding our motives in providing moral support, and the angle at which we should approach the situation.

(Cₗ) We as human beings have the capacity to learn, but with this comes the need for the ability to differentiate between intellectually thinking and analyzing a situation versus the emotions we are feeling in a situation. (I) According to David Foster Wallace in his essay “This Is Water”, (Q₁ ) “Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education–least in my own case–is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me” (3). (E) In saying this, Wallace is expressing his personal take on the education system and how the way he was taught to think takes him away from living in the moment sometimes. (T) Paul Bloom, author of the essay “Is Empathy Overrated?”, looks at the relationship between intellect and empathy in a similar way.  (Q₂) “Intellectually, we can value the lives of all these individuals; we can give them weight when we make decisions. But what we can’t do is empathize with all of them” (3). (Cₑ) Both of these authors see the importance of knowing when applying intellect in a situation is the correct choice over letting emotions and empathy control the choices we make.

The commencement speech written by David Foster Wallace covered several topics that I was drawn to and they really got me thinking. One in particular Foster mentioned in the second paragraph. He said, “the most obvious, important realities are often the hardest to see and talk about” (Wallace 1). This made me think about the everyday things that I do, some of which I don’t even realize I am doing, all of them are crucial to my well-being. I also thought about it in a different aspect of communication with others. When approaching communication with other people, I find the little things easy to forget about and to forget to address, so when it comes to actually needing to address them it makes everything a much bigger deal than it could have been in the first place. Another idea that Wallace brought up that I took a particular interest in was looking at how we see our realities, and how expanding the way we think allows us to do so. “But most days, if you’re aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently” (Wallace 6). When I read this I tied it back to what I was thinking about on the first page of the speech. Because Wallace is giving this speech at a college commencement, it made me think about my own life and what I am learning how to do for myself here at college. Learning how to think is one of these crucial elements that I am immersing myself in and getting to know better than I did before. I try to go through life at a point where I am aware enough to try and see the best in people, and this portion of the text was a good reminder to keep trying to learn to do this in the most adequate way possible.

1.) Social media was developed for a reason, it can be advantageous to various aspects of our everyday lives, but only if it is used in moderation. In Chen’s essay, he conveys social media as a tool which proves to be beneficial in maintaining relationships, but Konnikova emphasizes how this connection between people can only go so far without face-to-face interaction. 

My thesis statement started as a small idea that was a bullet point in my first set of ideas I developed during my writing process, and after writing an outline, producing a free draft, and receiving critique from peers I decided to run with this one. When I look at the thesis, I can see my own opinion on the matter shadowed by the relation the topic has to the author’s writing being analyzed in the essay. In the second sentence of the statement, I think I could have made the connection between the ideas in Konnikova and Chen’s essay a little stronger. In doing this, I could then change my word choice to make the link between my thoughts and the writer’s thoughts clearly. This would make the overall argument of my essay easier to analyze and allow the reader to think about the topic the way I am explaining it to a further extent. 

2.) When I sat down to begin the drafting process for Paper #1, I was reminded of the fact that I procrastinate way too often when it comes to starting my writing process. I was stressed for time when first trying to develop ideas for the essay so my initial thoughts were not very good. Once I forced myself to get into a grove and actually start letting my ideas flow, that’s when I realized the most crucial step for me in my process. In order to think about and find an idea that works for a paper, I just let my thoughts flow onto the paper and go look back over the list later to pick one that I can analyze best. This paper was a good experience for me in the aspect of actually sitting down and thinking about how I can develop a process that helps me get my writing done more efficiently.

3.) When revising my paper, global revisions came up mostly in the form of my voice and my ideas, specifically involving my own analysis of quotes in my writing. I never take my own thoughts into account when I involve the writer’s own words in particular. When I looked at these points where they were pointed out by my peers, I thought about what I was trying to say and took them a little further on paper. I did this in my second paragraph when talking about the Dunbar number, I brought my own ideas into account before introducing Konnikova’s thoughts.

4.) When looking at Paper 2, I am hoping to be able to improve in the first steps of the writing process surrounding the initial analysis of the writing. I read the Chen piece through a few times, but I didn’t understand it as well as I could have. If I had developed my understanding a little further I think it would have strengthened my opinions on the piece. When trying to tie the essays together and comparing their deep analytical meanings, I think I would have had a much easier time if I had a better understanding of the meanings.

1. Growing up I was always told that in order to even have a chance at success I needed to complete an extensive course of education, pre-K, elementary, middle, high, college, some even push all the way for further education after getting a four-year bachelor’s degree. It is common opinion that if you do not complete all of these steps of schooling you won’t be successful. This makes sense, as early education teaches children the building blocks, knowledge, creativity, individuality, social skills, etc.. In “Between the World and Me”, written by Ta-Nehis Coates, he speaks of his experiences with the push to “grow up and be somebody” (Coates 93.) The education system is a concrete mold that doesn’t change depending on the person going through the school. This has led to kids like Coates wondering why they’re even there in the first place. Different people have different interests in life, school isn’t always the answer for everyone. The approach they take to force kids to think school is the only road to success, it isn’t the way to go for everyone. If these kids do not finish school, they are punished. If they do go through school, they’re attacked for getting an education. 
2. Critical thinking is the analysis and evaluation of a situation that leads to a decision. Throughout Coates’s essay, he is constantly looking at challenges in his life and asking questions about them. He takes that question and develops it further until he can either develop a nuanced question based upon the previous question, or he digs until he finds the answer. This is exactly what critical thinking is based upon. In this instance, it isn’t a skill that he learned through school, it’s something he does for himself by himself to take control and think about his own life. His grandma showed him how writing can help with the analysis of these problems that come up in our lives. If we write about them, if we think about them, if we explore multiple outcomes instead of just one it can help us solve the problem for us. Coates talks about how “The writing had to answer a series of questions” (94.) It seems to me that this is how Coates solved the problem of education. If we are taught in schools to think in a way that’s beneficial for us and in our best interest, that is how we make it more enjoyable for students. To feel like they can be successful by just thinking for themselves.

Marginal Comments 

“…your first paragraph is very strong in the areas of reference to your authors and a piece of brief but concise background information, but taking these thoughts and developing a bold thesis statement pushing your own voice would be really helpful in driving your paper!”

“Good summary of the work, maybe tie your own ideas into the end of this paragraph as/or after the analysis of the quote. It would strengthen it a lot and you could use the text in your thinking.”

End Comment

“Really nice paper you have going here! You have good use of quotes and quote sandwiches to support your idea. I believe this idea is that both essays written by the 2 authors bring up some valid points but in the end, you lean more towards Chen’s POV. I got this by piecing textual clues you provided together and from the last paragraph. I think this is where bringing your own personal voice into your introduction would be very beneficial, that way the reader would know 100% what you are trying to emphasize. I really liked your second paragraph in particular. It was where I noticed most of your own voice in the paper and gave me some background knowledge to see social media through your eyes. One idea of where you could possibly strengthen your paper is to think a little more deeply on both topics and how they can intertwine with one another, places where they contradict one another or where they are coming from a similar way of thinking. This could also help you make a thesis to push your own views in your intro. My other biggest way I think you could add a little something to finalize your draft is making sure the beginning of your paragraphs bring a little more of your perspective to introduce the paragraph rather than a summary, but other than that your structure flows well and everything looks like it’s coming along well!”

Peer review is a tool that I find extremely beneficial in the writing process. It allows me to strengthen my ideas and push me to think about concepts the way that others around me see them. I try to give good, helpful peer review when it comes to looking at other people’s papers. When I review a peer’s paper, I read it over once or twice to really try and analyze what the big idea they’re trying to push, then I go to applying these bigger picture ideas across the entire paper. I noticed that my marginal comments tended to talk about expanding off an idea that the writer had introduced but not gone into clarification as to what they personally are trying to emphasize there. My end comment took the paper as a whole and broke it down a little, positive feedback as to what the writer did really well and then areas where they could strengthen their writing. I like the concept of an end comment, it is a compact of all the writers’ ideas in one spot. If I didn’t really understand something that someone was peer-reviewing my paper was referencing, I can always look to the end comment to get an overview of the strengths and weaknesses in my piece of writing.